I’m still finding it hard to believe that I’m about to write about what I’m about to write about.  It’s so beautifully surreal, so magical, so life changing.

Since most of you who follow this blog know me personally and follow me on facebook, you know what I’m talking about.

There’s really a baby in there!!

I’M FREAKING PREGNANT!!!!

After three long years of waiting, so many tears, so many fears and frustrations, it’s finally here!  It’s actually happened!  I can get pregnant!  Dustin’s vasectomy-reversal worked!  We made a baby!!

I’ll be honest – I’d basically given up on trying to get pregnant.  I’d accepted that it just must not be in the cards for us at this point in our lives, so I quit fretting about it and just trusted that if it were meant to be, it would happen when the timing was right.  I still felt deep down that I would someday have a baby (God always gives us the desires of our hearts, right?), but I felt that it would be a few years down the road.  Dustin and I are still getting established and stable, and I trusted that a baby would come when our lives were ready for it.

Well, I guess it’s that time!

I was almost three weeks late on my period before I broke down and took a pregnancy test.  I’ve been up to two weeks late before, and I just figured with stress and life, it was just an irregular month for me.  It was a late Friday night when I just couldn’t handle it anymore, so I had Dustin pick up a pack of tests on his way home from class.  I’d been feeling pretty lethargic all week, and I took many more naps than usual.  My boobs were a little more plump than normal, and my belly had been a bubbly mess for a couple of days.  But still, even as I opened that package of tests and went into the bathroom, I just knew that the test would be negative, just like they always are.  I spent some time journaling, praying, and meditating before Dustin got home, surrendering to divine will and assuring myself that pregnant or not, my life was still wonderful and full of blessings.

The little stick that changed my life.

As I set the little stick that held my fate onto the counter, a plus sign immediately started to appear.  I shrieked an “oh my god!”, dropped to my knees on the bathroom floor, and called for Dustin.  When he came into the bathroom, I just screamed “Look at the test!  Look at the freaking test!!”  I stood up, hands covering my mouth, eyes wide.  My hands barely left my mouth for the next hour, and “Oh my god!” seemed to be all I could muster into words.

I’d love to say that this was the moment where Dustin and I braced each other and sobbed tears of joy and gratitude, but it wasn’t (that moment came at the first ultrasound 😉 ).  We were both in such shock we just couldn’t do much but stand there with our eyes wide and our jaws dropped.  Were we really pregnant?  Was this really happening?  We’d both just gotten used to the idea of not having a baby right now, and now it’s actually happening?

I took another test about an hour later (you know, just in case that first test was a crazy fluke or something), and it again immediately turned positive.  This was a moment I’d been dreaming about since I was about 20 and wanted a baby.  I’ve taken so many pregnancy tests, and I’ve never had a positive.  It was so surreal and beautiful and life-changing.

My sister was the first to find out.  I immediately sent her a text with a pic of the tests with one of those big-eyes emoticons, hehe.  (Don’t you love Emoji and technology?)  I had to get an experienced second opinion.  Could it just be one of those false-positives?  It is real?  She assured me that it was indeed positive and very positive from her experiences with tests.  We rejoiced over what was starting to set in and become real – I really was pregnant!!!  (Still, I took one more test the next morning (it was a three-pack, so why not, right?), and then I made a doctor appointment immediately.  Luckily, they were able to get me in that morning, so by noon, it was medically proven, I was pregnant! With a due date of Dec. 10.  WOW!!!!!!!)

Dustin and I feel asleep that night holding each other and dreaming about the little life growing inside me.  Our dreams were finally coming true.  Life was showing us that it’s on our side.  Perhaps things were finally going to start working out for us.  And they have.  In lots of ways.  Some ways I can’t share yet, but those of you close to me know what I’m talking about.  The rest of you, I’ll fill you in in a few days, so stay tuned! 😉

In case you’re wondering, I’ve been feeling pretty good, thankfully.  The first couple of weeks were filled with constant nausea and exhaustion.  But thankfully, no vomiting!  (I’m hoping I get to be one of those lucky ones who isn’t throwing up non-stop.)  I’ve been feeling surprisingly good the past couple of weeks.  The nausea mostly only comes if I let myself go too long before eating, so I try to make sure to snack off and on all day.  The main issue I deal with now is that I feel I could sleep all day every day.  And on my days off when there’s nothing I have to do, I don’t leave my couch much.  But I figure I deserve it – I am growing a little person in my belly after all!

This is getting a little lengthy, so I think I’ll stop here.  Next time, I’ll write about our magical ultrasound experience and give you more baby updates.

For now, my heart is just overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.  Before finding out I was pregnant, I was at a pretty low point in life.  Little thing after little thing seemed to be going wrong, and I was really starting to lose faith in life/God/the Universe.  I felt we were really good people, so why weren’t good things happening to us?  Now, I feel terrible for ever doubting at all.  Life has a divine plan for us, and it’s unfolding perfectly as it should.  Though I’m still in the delicate first trimester, and God forbid anything terrible were to happen, I now know that I can get pregnant, and that is a miracle enough for me.

Thank you all for your encouragement, love, kind words, and happy tears sent our way!  It brings so much joy to my heart to be able to share this experience with those of you who have been following my journey.  I feel all of your love and light every single day, and I’m so excited to be able to share this pregnancy experience with you!

To light, love, and BABIES!

– Kim 🙂