As I started to realize that the beliefs I’ve been told were true for basically my whole life no longer aligned with the inner truth and voice I felt within, my whole world shifted.  I decided that there were too many things that I felt were true that the church was telling me was wrong.  All sorts of things – secular music, premarital sex, homosexuality, abortion, smoking and drinking, etc.  But most of all, it was my core belief that various belief systems were valid as long as they were based in love and compassion that completely conflicted with the beliefs held within the church.  And it was that foundational belief that would change everything.  The church wouldn’t (couldn’t) accept a difference of opinion like that.

I started to explore different belief systems and research things that I felt more accurately expressed what I felt my truth to be.  I still referenced scripture, but I also dove into works like Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, and Love Wins by Rob Bell.  I read the works of Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Ernest Holmes.  I attended a Unity Church for a while and then a Center for Spiritual Living.  Those were the only congregations I could find that decently lined up with my newly emerging beliefs.  I also studied other religions and read things like Siddhartha and the Tao Te Ching.  I dove into astrology and divinity cards, meditation and crystal work.  I smudged with sage and Palo Santo and did yoga.  I wrote affirmations and repeated them every day.  I explored all I wanted to without inhibition.  I stayed open minded to all the different ways of connecting to the Divine, and I clung to what worked for me while brushing away that which didn’t.  I learned to live my life not seeing things as black and white – right or wrong.  I learned that for me, dogma was something that shifted and was fluid.  I couldn’t follow one set of rules from one book written thousands of years ago and translated hundreds of times.  I found value in all the books and all the different belief systems.  I learned that instead of searching for a belief system that aligned with my inner knowing, I needed to identify my core beliefs and then use them to guide me in my everyday life.  I had to stop searching outside of myself for the answers, and I needed to search within.

I spent hours in prayer and meditation – pleading with God/Spirit/Source to guide me and lead me to my truth.  This journey has been going on for about 7 years – more like 10-12 really, but it’s only been the last 7 or so that I’ve felt the freedom to really explore my soul.  I used to keep it to myself – I’d go through the motions when I attended church with my family or had critical religious discussions.  It wasn’t until after Dustin and I got married that I really felt free to explore all that I’ve always wanted to explore.  There was a bit of a family blow up right before he and I got married, and our non-traditional Christian beliefs were questioned and put on display.  Keeping quiet and going through the motions turned into me having to explain myself to those closest to me about what I meant when I said I “didn’t believe in Jesus anymore.”  Those were the hardest times – feeling so strong and secure in my own beliefs while having to defend myself to others who just didn’t get it.  I went through a couple of years of disconnection with family and the church – almost resenting Christianity and the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude it portrayed.  I refused to let anyone tell me that the convictions I held within my soul were wrong because their chosen religious text said so.

I also sought to reconcile the love I have for Jesus with this new inner realization.  You could say I was quite the “Jesus Freak” back in the day.  I had so much love for this mystical man who taught me how to live and how to love, and I still do!  Dustin’s been telling me for years that I have an identity crisis because on one hand, I love Jesus and still cling to him, but then on the other hand, I value other thought systems, too, so I can’t completely cling to Christianity.  It’s really hard for me to explain.  It’s almost like I just view Jesus’ teachings differently.  I still believe in his message and the things he taught us.  I just think some things have been misinterpreted over the years and part of his original message is being lost.  I also don’t want to put anyone on a pedestal as my one, ultimate teacher, and I believe Jesus would support that.  (In Matthew 23, he talks about how no one should be called “Rabbi” or teacher as there is only one teacher (God/Spirit/Source) and all are equal as brothers and sisters.)  I understand that the common translations say things like “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” but I’m not so sure Jesus meant that to be taken so literally.  Yes, if you follow his commandments and live life how he says you should, then you will be blessed and aligned with God/Divinity/Source/Etc.  However, I don’t think that you’re damned if you don’t.  Life will definitely send you signals that you are not on the right path as you’ll hit bump after bump and karma will come back around, but I think it’s a hell you create here on earth that punishes you rather than one you’ll face when you die.  So much of what Jesus teaches lines right up with other belief systems.  One of my favorite books is called Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, and Lao Tzu: The Parallel Sayings by Richard Hooper.  It illustrates how the messages of many spiritual teachers are much more alike than they are different.  I clung to these teachings, and they encouraged me that I am on the right path.

As I searched within and tried to draw near to that still small Divine voice within, I started to feel at home.  I started to feel familiar to myself again.  That spark and inner fire I’d felt my whole life – it was returning and refilling me.  As my soul started to return to my heart, I realized that it’s all the same… That feeling I feel within me – it’s the same feeling I felt growing up, sitting in the Church pews, and singing praises on a Sunday.  That inner knowing, that Divine voice – it’s always been there.  It’s always guided me and helped me.  Growing up as a Christian in a small Midwestern town, Christianity was the only lens I knew through which to view this Divinity within me.  It lined up pretty well to my own inner truth, so I was able to cling to the faith and use it to define my core beliefs.  But as I grew and matured, my inner-knowing did, too.

It was like growing up the Perfect Little Christian Girl gave me such confidence.  My faith made me know that I was right and always safe and protected and could do anything because God’s on my side.  But then in this process of refining my faith, that confidence has gone.  Now, I question my own faith because it doesn’t line up with what people say it should.  It’s not that I’m doubtful in my beliefs – I just let what others will think of me get in the way of living my truth.  I hold myself back and get insecure because I don’t want people to judge me or condemn me.  I don’t want to disappoint those close to me, and I don’t want them to view me differently.  But that’s why I’m refining.  I’m refining it because what I feel within me hasn’t really changed.  It’s just that I’ve been able to use certain definitions to describe these feelings – Christian definitions.  Because that is all I ever knew.  But now, I’m learning more and more and improving, narrowing, being more precise with the definition of my faith.  As I journey within, I continue to cling to that which serves me and release the parts that no longer do.  I refine my faith to be a more accurate representation of the Divinity within me.