If you’ve ever been in therapy, you know that you get asked “how does that make you feel?” and “where do you feel that in your body?” sorts of questions a lot. Something I love about therapy is simply being able to acknowledge and name the feelings that I’m feeling so that I can work through them. Sometimes, the therapist will help you name the emotions. “It sounds like you’re feeling _____ – is that right?” In a conversation like this in one of my recent sessions, my therapist said, “what you’re describing sounds a lot like grief. I think you’re grieving a part of you that has died and is no longer here. You want to be her, but she’s not here anymore.”

Enter truthbomb.

Daaaaang. Ain’t that the truth.

So we’ve been talking a lot about grief. How to grieve, what I’m grieving, etc. I’ve come to realize that I’m grieving a version of me that I’ll never be again, someone I used to be. I wish I could be her. Lord knows my life would be a whole lot easier if I were still her. But I’m not. And I’m never going to be her again. So instead of holding onto her and not letting her go, convincing myself that everything is “fine” and will go back to normal eventually, I need to accept the fact that she’s gone. And life may never be the same without her.

One of the five stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is denial. It’s the first step, in fact. I’ve been in major denial mode. Denial of my changes within. Denial of how those changes are affecting the relationships with those close to me. Denial of my right to be who I want to be and instead continuing to be who I think others want me to be.

The next stages of grief are anger, bargaining, depression, and then finally acceptance. Here we go, I guess…

I’ve been avoiding this grief because one of my biggest fears is disappointing people who are close to me. Parents, siblings, spouse, friends. I desire so deeply to please others that I end up doing what they want me to do and being who they want me to be. I used to accuse others of being chameleons in their romantic relationships – always becoming what their partner wanted them to be. But now I’m realizing that I’ve been the same in my own personal relationships. Instead of being myself (which I fear may disappoint, upset, or offend someone I love), I just put on the happy face and do what I know they want me to do to keep the drama and discord at bay. I’ve been accused of being fake because of this. But it’s not fake. It’s fear. It’s survival mode.

So who am I grieving? What version of me do I need to let go of in order to heal and move on?

I grieve the girl who always did everything for others, therefore not needing to seek her own desires or question the world around her.

I grieve the girl that kept the peace for her sanity’s sake.

I grieve the girl that was the idolized perfect daughter.

I grieve a relationship with my parents I fear I’ll never have again.

I grieve broken relationships with siblings.

I grieve the version of me that was agreeable – that avoided ruffling any feathers.

I grieve the girl that everyone admired and thought was on the right path. Now I’m learning how to live with this girl who is forging her own way, despite the naysayers and those who say she’s misguided or confused.

I grieve no longer having everyone’s approval, no longer being the girl everyone wanted me to be.

I grieve the girl who had a simple answer for everything, who saw life through such naive rose-colored glasses.

I grieve the girl who was left in that apartment building after the attack. Who had such a simple outlook on life.

I grieve being the child my parents never had to worry about because I was perfect.

I grieve simpler times. When everyone got along. When no one questioned things. When my own ignorance was bliss.

I grieve living in this city. Despite its scenery and progressive mindset, it’s been difficult living here with little family and community, expensive cost of living, tons of traffic and overpopulation, a hard time finding work I enjoy, etc. We miss our family and friends a lot. But it’s also brought so many opportunities into our lives – I need to focus on that more.

My therapist wants me to take some time to do some releasing before I see her again. Release all the things I need to let go of. Release the guilt. Release the shame. Release the responsibility I feel for thinking it’s all my fault or that I need to help everyone. And what I’ve just realized recently – I need to allow myself to grieve so that I can release the grief, too. The grief is what’s holding me back. The desperate ache for things to be different. The heartbreaking feeling when realizing I’ll never have the life I always thought I’d have. One that involves close relationships with family, raising kids near grandparents and aunts and uncles, raising babies with my best friends. The grief I feel over these things is keeping me from seeing the beauty all around me. Even though I can’t have those things, I can still have a beautiful, blessed, magical life, and I do. Staying in this grief over these minor things is keeping me from finding my joy in the present moment with the big things. It’s keeping me from feeling the constant gratitude that used to fill my heart.

I need to grieve. And then I need to release the grief. Just like the limiting mindset I let go of long ago, my grief is no longer serving me. I have to let it go.

Sometimes we need to let go of who we thought we were in order to become who we really are.