Whew… what a year.
I know 2020 was a big one for everyone. We all have our stories of how our worlds were changed.
So, crazy times, eh? In case you haven’t noticed, there is a clear line being drawn in our society right now and we all need to decide which side we’re going to stand on.
Through therapy and shadow work, I’m realizing that I’m addicted to struggling and drama. My subconscious gets off on always having something to bitch about. I love drama and strife – I feed off of it, and I love the rush of adrenaline I get when some shit is going down. That’s why I keep manifesting drama in my life. Between fall-outs with my parents and sister, to always hating my job regardless of what it is, to drama and strife with the boys’ mom – I love it all. I love being able to have something to complain about – a reason for my misery – justification for my sorrow. That’s why I keep creating drama and dead-end jobs and challenging relationships.
It seems like every year, there is some theme to my misery. Whether it was the year I went without talking to my parents or the year(s) of poverty or separation from my sister or hating living here or never knowing what I want to do with my life.
IDK.
I think it all goes back to me living a life I never thought I’d live. I still haven’t accepted the fact that my life is never going to be the backyard bbqs with Bestie and the family and grandparents watching Cohen so we can have a weekend getaway or spending a holiday not traveling. I’ve been so bitter about how we got here that I haven’t been able to just fucking deal with it and make the best. I’ve held onto so much bitterness and resentment toward a certain someone and her inability to see or think that she’s done anything wrong. All I’ve wanted is for her to own up, admit it was a shitty thing to do, and affirm that she doesn’t in fact think that Dustin and I are degenerates who don’t need to be around the kids.
I’ve held onto all this bitterness and resentment that it’s kept me from loving and taking advantage of this beautiful life I have. My kids and husband have seen me so miserable that they now resent me for it and all I want to do is point blame to justify why I’m allowed to feel the way I feel rather than just getting over it and moving on. I’ve wasted so many years being miserable…. So many opportunities, so many memories. The whole time, I was waiting for things outside of myself to change in order to change me. My job needs to change or we need to move back home or we need more friends or we need less drama – whatever it was, I always pointed the source out to be something outside of myself. It was never MY fault that things were the way they were. I just had shit luck.
So when is it my fault? When does it come down to me CHOOSING this misery over joy? I’ve had all my shortcomings shoved in my face this year. All the things I’ve done wrong, all the ways I could have been better, all the ways I’ve caused strife. I’m being told by those around me that they SEE me choosing misery over joy, and they are calling me out. Thankfully.
2020 changed everyone in a lot of ways. My story is just a dime a dozen, I’m sure. But I can tell you this – I am not the same woman I was a year ago. I’ve been forced to evaluate myself in ways I’ve been too stubborn to before. I’ve had to accept some hard truths about myself and those around me. I’ve had to decide what I will allow within my reality and what I won’t. I’ve had to stand up for myself while also admitting the error of my ways. I trust myself when all doubt me, but I make allowance for their doubting, too. (Kipling <3)
Just as I have my entire life, I continue to trust in the divine unfolding. I’m grateful for the lessons learned this past year, and I look forward to opportunities to where I can show my growth – where I can respond differently based on newer programming – where those I love most will see that I choose the joy of living life with them instead of acting as if it’s a misery forced upon me. I call on my faith, and I choose joy.
