When I was a Christian, I used to believe that God and Jesus could take care of all my problems. Regardless of what it was – schoolwork, dealing with a bully, having a sick loved one, healing from a broken heart, etc., I always trusted that all is well because God has my back and will take care of everything. So all my fear and uncertainty were replaced with peace and faith that it would all work out. No matter what happened in life, Jesus could handle it, and I’d be ok. I think that’s why I was so positive and optimistic growing up (perhaps even toxically so). No matter how hard things got, I trusted the plan and the process. God’s got me.

But then life made me really jaded. I left the church while in college after realizing that most organized religion is a farce meant to control and enslave. The worldview I had committed my life to came crumbling down around me, and I was broken for a little while. I didn’t know what to believe or who I was, etc. I still felt there was something out there, though I couldn’t name it yet and didn’t feel comfortable with the vernacular I grew up with. When faced with problems, I still felt connected to God and still had a faith that I’d be taken care of. I just didn’t know how to label it. As time went on and as our family went through some struggles (moving to Louisiana and North Carolina, discord with my family, co-parenting woes, job/financial issues, being away from family without much support, etc.), my spirit became broken. For the first time in my life, I began to doubt God and Jesus and my path, etc. If God’s on my side, why are we struggling so much? If we’re always divinely cared for, why do we keep getting hit with blow after blow? Shouldn’t things be easier?

Then life got really hard – the world shut down and our family was torn apart. Out of nowhere, our kids were gone. Never to be in our home again. Will never tuck them in again. Will never make their breakfast or take them to or pick them up from school. No more lazy weekends together – no more movie nights or water gun fights. Our world shattered. And we broke. Plain and simple. Parts of us died that year. We still grieve every day. The people we had spent the last ten years raising our kids with and becoming like family to us turned their backs on us the first chance they got. We took our kids back to their mom after their week with us after years of a 50/50 schedule and without notice, we never had custody of them again.

That was almost 6 years ago.

Our spirits were crushed. How could something like this happen? Why would a loving God allow such strife and suffering? How do we “stay positive” when world leaders are manipulating the masses, including our kids, and those with opinions like ours are shunned and looked down upon? How do we find the will to live without our kids?

So where am I going with all of this? Like I said, when I was a Christian, it was easy for me to have faith and trust God was on my side and all is well. I was able to put my faith in something outside of myself and trust that that entity would have my back. So what I’m currently working on in my spiritual life is getting back to that firm faith that all is well. I don’t have to believe it in Jesus’ name (though I suppose it couldn’t hurt), but I need to shift back into the perspective that there’s something bigger than me in control helping guide all the things. Can my worry and strife be replaced with calm reassurance and faith? Can my resentment for the church be replaced with bright curiosity for this beautiful, magical world and everything in it? Despite our trials over the years, we have still been blessed 100x over and been divinely cared for in times of trouble. We have had plenty of “God moments” when everything worked out exactly as it should. I mean, look at what happened with Shope Creek for example. We were taken advantage of and literally left homeless and jobless. But what happened? We were taken care of. Our friend Kathy welcomed us with open arms. We got to live in a big beautiful house (a definite upgrade from the camper) with a woman who loves us and encouraged us all the time and baked us goodies everyday. Our needs were met financially through her generosity (and me cashing out my retirement), and we lived a beautiful little life with her for a few months, and it became a time we will truly cherish forever. It hasn’t been all pain and strife, and I recognize that. We are truly blessed.

I guess it’s just that when I don’t have a certain faith with prescribed methods of dealing with pain, etc., I’m kinda left to my own devices trying to figure it out and create my own methods to connect with my spirit. I guess I can see why people follow methods set before them – forging your own path is not for the faint of heart. It is challenging and can often leave you feeling like you are going insane.

But following my own truth and inner guidance still beats following century old dogma that isn’t historically accurate and doesn’t sit well with my soul. I’ll continue to follow my inner guide over any outer establishments. But the faith that all is well…I could definitely use more of that. No more fear or anxiety. Only faith and peace.

“Ye, too, are Gods…what I can do, you can do.” – Jesus

That’s the vibe Imma follow.